There were only three things Linda preferred over shopping in the Lidl Middle Aisle. One of them was fixing her brother’s dating problems.

“You’re so picky.”

Gregg flicked his eyes from his ever present phone, giving his older sister the look. She responded by prodding Gregg in the ribs with the drill she was considering. Linda already had one, but this model had an inbuilt clock, came in a fetching yellow and was on sale.

“Consumer Review says it breaks after a couple months,” he said.

Dejected, Linda squeezed the drill back between the off brand Bratz dolls (Honeyz) and voice activated frying pans, “how abouts we stop looking at drills and find you a man?”

“Och, your obsessed,” responded her brother, “besides Lidl doesn’t sell men.”

Linda beamed at her brother and grabbed his hand. She skipped off so forcefully, he almost let go of his mobile phone. Now she could introduce Gregg to the second thing she preferred over shopping in the Lidl Middle Aisle.

“Hey! I hadn’t agreed yet.” It was no good, Gregg had been swept up in his sister’s wave of enthusiasm.

“Tada!”

Gregg tried to form words, but found himself struck dumb. And no wonder, for between the soy milk and the eggs floated a shimmering vortex.

“It’s the Lidl Diagon Aisle. They just finished it last week. Haven’t you seen the press release on your precious device?”

The vortex’s gravity pulled on their clothes, urging them to spend their hard-earned money on the innumerable deals found inside. Gravity wasn’t the only thing pulling. Before he knew it, Linda was disappearing into the vortex pulling him closer and closer till he felt a cool tingle from his fingertips to his toes to his wallet.

“...But it’s full of.... men?” said Gregg as they entered. Rows of fully stocked blokes standing at attention. Baskets of Barrys, heaps of Henrys, and stacks of Stephans, all waiting to be picked up.

“Of course, it’s full of men! The Diagon Aisle scans your brain and stocks what you’re looking for, but at MAJOR discounts!”

“How could I have possibly missed this…?” He started Googling.

“Ohhhh, how about a Sebastian? Let’s see the label. Sebastian likes fine dining, water skiing, and is an accountant.”

Gregg’s eyes were on his phone. MenMenMen, says he hides your money in the Canary Isles.”

Linda continued down the aisle, scrutinising the deals. “Benjamin. 6.2... movies... gym... graphic designer! And may I say, quite a hunk.”

Gregg’s eyes were on his phone. His lips already pursed whilst reading MenMenMen’s Ben review. Linda grabbed his device and pocketed it.

“No! You’ll always find fault if you look hard enough.”

“Well, you’d have had me running off with a crooked accountant.”

Linda held up an index finger and gave him, her look. He sighed and offered with a shrug, “Fine.”

“Excellent!”

“Ben’s too... unsymmetrical.”

Tutting, Linda gave Gregg a long stare before hooking his arm and sweeping him down the aisle. She stopped at a man wearing a gilet covered in clearance stickers. Whilst Gregg peered inside a colourful basket.

“Mike here is either a farmer or lives in the new town...”

Hands behind his back, Gregg returned, “Listen Linda, Edinburgh has dozens of Mikes, Bens and Sebastians, but there’s only one you - so how about I get you this?”

Bringing his hands round, Gregg handed Linda a dildo. She screamed and, on instinct, chucked the purple monstrosity at Gregg, who ducked, and left 50% off Fred to take the blow.

“Gregg, you are officially in trouble!”

Gregg wrapped an arm around his sister’s shoulders. “Come on you!” he said smiling down at her, “if I got a fella then I wouldn’t get to spend all this time with you! I’d pick you every time, Linda, and just so you know I’m serious, let’s hit the Shore bar, and the first rounds on me.”

“Oooh, I love getting pints with you. That’s my absolute favorite.”

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